[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Jail
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money