People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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October already? What’s next? November????
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?