My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*