*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂