Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.