I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
nyc:
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭