nyc:
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I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.