Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?