Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.