Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I need better friends
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Go girl power!
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
The answer is funnier than the question
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked