Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Happy Febuary everyone!
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Siri: Retweet me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks