vegan witches, happy halloween!
You Might Also Like
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Breaking news:
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Erm I’m gonna say no
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
catch me on valentine’s day like
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…