@david_tull

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

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@stuckinaportal

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@SamGrittner

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@PaperWash

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

@MohitSharmaSays

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

@mrjohndarby

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.