*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

You Might Also Like


back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to


I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.


You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?


Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?


[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”


Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…


fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look


Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.