back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.