*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.