Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.