me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
This is enough internet for the day.
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control