Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard