“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Don’t touch that.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?