“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

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Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors


If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy


OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”


So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.


Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.


7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.


me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now


[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]