Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
also my go-to takeaway order
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
no one ever comes back
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit