I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
You Might Also Like
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?