1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English


Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another


…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.


When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman


i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes