1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Whisper out to librarians!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*