@JoParkerBear

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

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@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@envydatropic

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

@krakkenlackin

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

@myonlymizztake

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

@MoiraInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

@dril

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes