Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
another case of gang violins
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today