Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I have no passwords left in me
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Finally! 😈
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.