Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Spotted in New Orleans.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin