[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
You Might Also Like
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*exercises sarcastically*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*