fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
We all have our pet causes.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now