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romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.