The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.