ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
can’t catch a break
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.