My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I want what they have
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages