My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”