[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
How does one answer this?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.