Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
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We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.