Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.