Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.