[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog