The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Finally!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Meanwhile in Canada…
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.