You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*offers Batman cough drops*
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: