Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs