Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real