Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest