This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
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Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.