7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Only short people can save us
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If a snake ate a cake
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best