Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
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Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
that wasn’t the question
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
💻🤡
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village