coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!