me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My favorite female superhero
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.