Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
The options really are this bad
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*