I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂