Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Real House Wines.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Respect
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?