Respect
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
i hate you platonically
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.