It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
You Might Also Like
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.