It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
You are not alone 💚
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
