I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace